Troublepunning

J: I just bought a new laptop and installed a fresh Debian on it. I used to look at my current battery status using Emacs. I like to look at the current rate too since this laptop will be used during a long trip and I want to take care of the consumption in real time. The issue is that with the 2.6.32 kernel from Debian for this laptop I do not have the /proc/acpi/battery part. However, the sysfs is able to report all the data I need. The current Emacs battery module is not able to retrieve the information I need from sysfs but it does from /proc/acpi/battery. So I made a small [patch] [...]

R: If this code keeps breaking, and we have to keep fixing it, is that similar to the Greek myth of sysfs?

Pyungyang

J: Kim Jong-Il is dead!
S: For il?

Drag racing

S:  We live right across from one of the most popular gay bars in the Castro, so it gets pretty loud.  Sometimes there are knock-down drag-out fights at 2 AM.
A:  Are there only knock-down drag-out fights, or also knock-down in-drag fights?

Oscar de la Punta

B: The movie Hugo looks really interesting.
M: I'd rather see The Ides of March.
B: Can we please go see Hugo?
M: No, you go.

I wish punthing but the best for you, too

S:  I really hate Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20.
J:  Well, good for you.  I'm sure somewhere out there there is someone who hates Adele, too.
S:  Someone like you??

Number pun

S: I'll go to the bathroom really fast.
(S returns)
A: That was fast.
S: I said I would go fast.
A: No shitting.

Hit me with your best shot

D and E were ordering cocktails at happy hour, where drinks were 2-for-1.

D: Can I have a piña colada?
E: I'll have one too, only I don't want mine with alcohol.
D: Bartender, can you just put her unused alcohol into my drink?
(Bartender is silent)
D: It was worth a shot.

That's chilling

S: Check out this article. They just did an autopsy on a 5,300-year-old corpse they found frozen in the alps.  Turns out he was murdered.  Talk about a cold case!

Punsgiving

S: Do you want to host Slapsgiving? I'm already crafting the invitation. We can play games and change the names to match the games invented by Lily's dad in Slapsgiving 2!!!
M: Can we please serve slapple pie and play slcrapple?
S: Slapsolutely.
M: Slapplause.
S: I slappreciate it.
M: What a slappropriate feeling.

For the chance of a pun like this

B: Why did you punt on updating the blog yesterday?

Masters in pun administration

R asked Y for advice on business school applications and recommendations.


R: My one worry is I don't really know how highly Frank thinks of me.
Y: Why don't you have a frank discussion with him about it?

De pung museum

S: Where is the Koret Auditorium?

M: I think it's near the north entrance of the museum.

S: That is koret.

La même crème

(Author's note: you make crème fraîche by stirring 1 tbsp yogurt into a pint of cream and letting it sit overnight.  If you already have creme fraiche, you can use 1 tbsp of that as a starter culture instead of buying yogurt.)

S:  Looks like I'm going to need most of the crème fraîche for this recipe.
J:  Okay, well just leave a couple tablespoons so I can start a new batch.
S:  Okay.
J:  Or just use it all!  It's not too hard to start fraîche!

Practically another Market Street

B: We can go to the deli on the corner of 19th & Guerrero for lemons, but if they don't have any, we can go to the store on the corner of 20th & Valencia. Do you know that they're owned by the same family?
M: Wow, the owner has really cornered the market.

That socks

A: Oh shoot! I just got a hole in my favorite pair of socks!
B: Darn it.

Headline newbs

Looks like journalists and editors across the spectrum realize the value of a good pun title.

From B:

Hoke Springs Eternal (about perennial-optimistic coach Brady Hoke)

From K:

An Entire Bridal Party Sinking Into A Lake: The good news is, the reception went swimmingly!

From R:

Fowl Language: Companies Squawk About Who Gets 'Tweet: In Flap, Twitter Sends Messages to Web Start-Ups; Early Bird Gets the Term?

Makes my tummy feel offal

I:  I feel bad eating chicken hearts, because when I get six on a plate, I know that six chickens died for my meal.
S:  Do you feel the same way about eating twelve chicken wings?
I:  No...  I don't know why I don't have the same visceral reaction.

Wino

S sent over this fun wine article.

"For that matter, if fruit flavors are the preference of the masses, how has the grassy smack of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc come to such favor? Is it a Trojan horse for flavor haters to spread their fruitless message?"

Reconstruction by parts

D: Calculysse​s S. Grant has risen from the grave to teach you about math and honor.

Top dog

The faithful author of this blog is a fan of Mark Sanchez, and all-star pun maker R is a fan of Tom Brady, so R sent over this pun-tastic article.

Sanchez's antics still eats at Raiders
September, 21, 2011
By Bill Williamson


The Oakland Raiders clearly haven’t digested Mark Sanchez’s infamous Hot Dog caper of 2009.

 

Oakland coach Hue Jackson said Wednesday he wasn’t focusing on the memory of Sanchez, then a rookie, discretely putting mustard on a hot dog and then eating it on the sidelines late in the Jets’ 38-0 laugher at Oakland two years ago. Sanchez and the Jets visit Oakland on Sunday.

Still, Jackson, who was not part of the Oakland organization in 2009, relished the opportunity to grill Sanchez over the non-meaty issue. Jackson showed his team the frankfurter footage this week to, apparently, get his team steamed to face Sanchez.

“I don’t eat hot dogs during the game,” Jackson said told reporters Wednesday. “It sounds like somebody did. So, that was his prerogative back then. I wasn’t here. I hope we can make it more interesting for him so he doesn’t have to eat hot dogs. Hopefully, we can take the mustard and the relish and the onions and all that and put it away and play a little football.”

Fresh off the seeing of the video, Oakland defensive lineman Tommy Kelly has more motivation to knock the scrambling gourmet on his buns.

“Yeah, coach showed (the video) to us,” Kelly said. “It was just a reminder. We’re going to remind him of that during the game.”

Hot Dog-Gate an amusing sidebar to the main course, but the Raiders must make sure Sanchez doesn’t make them eat their words come game time.

Incredibility

C invited M to watch The Incredibles in a park last Saturday night.

M: So sorry I had to miss the picnic and movie night.
C. It's okay. We ended up defecting to another park.
M: Why?

C: Ha. It was incredibly kid-heavy.

Follow the weaver

Upon their arrival in Italy the ladies of Jersey Shore struggled to navitage the airport terminals and crowds while looking good and carrying their extensive luggage.

Snooki: I can't see.
J-Wow: Just follow my weave!

Calling your buff

S sent over a puntastic article from SFist:

Castro Nudists Plan Saturday Nude-In

A group of local exhibitionists and public nudists is planning to flood the (ahem) buff stop on Castro Commons Plaza with their surely exemplary specimens of the male form this Saturday at Noon. Although the naked event may seem to be crossing swords with the recent Wiener butt legislation, it was actually planned to coincide with the annual plein air fetish fest at the Folsom Street Fair this Sunday. So, basically, the naked guys will be doing more of less what they always do, except there may be more of them.

One of the regulars, George Davis, perhaps best known for his flaccid mayoral campaign against Gavin Newsom's engorged political machine in 2007, told the Chronicle that Supervisor Scott Wiener's legislation doesn't affect him because he's already pro-towel (chairs can be dirty, we guess). The point of this convention of flesh, Davis says, is to raise awareness that nudeness is not necessarily lewdness. Besides, "the tourists love it".

Last year's similar Folsom Street precursor apparently drew 50 or so in-the-buff attendees. Saturday's event could draw even more thanks to all the press and online buzz that came along with Wiener's proposed ordinance.

Also, for anyone planning on doing any nude sitting, either on Saturday or otherwise, the folks at the Guardian have helpfully created The Butt Guardian. As you might expect, it's a piece of paper you can print out or find tucked in to this week's Sex Issue to protect your nether regions from flithy seating or vice versa. Although, we suppose if you're going to chafe up your bum with newsprint, you could really use any issue of our fine local papers.

Workers' comp

T: I hurt my back really badly playing ping pong, so I had to go to the chiropractor, but he straightened it out right away.

These teams are the best

J takes classes in Wurster Hall.

J: Our IM dodgeball team is named "Wurst Aim Ever." First game proceeds tonight in 30 minutes and it will be awesome. Our IM soccer team is called "Your Wurster Nightmare."

Dam right

S and A watched a documentary on how the Hoover Dam was built. Their favorite line?

"He wanted to be the greatest dam builder in the US."

Olympic puns

R forwards M wordplay exchange from R’s kickball team email list.

M: If only there were a social group just for witty banter... no athletics required.
R: We should start that.  I can't decide between Pun Club LA and Equipun.
M: 24 Hour Punness.
R: Punch Fitness.
M: Solid. Bay Pun.
R: Nice. Punite Granite.
M: Haha so good. House of Pun.

Too bad "Egon" isn't a state

S:  (reading from Wikipedia) "In 2007, the state legislature officially declared the possessive form of the state's name to be Arkansas's."
J:  Wow, they've come a long way since reconstruction.
S:  I think it'd be funny if Kansas' possessive were Kansas'... just as a kind of f*ck you to Arkansas.
J:  What about our-Kansas as a state possessive? That would be even more of a nod/f*ck-you to Arkansas.

Gotta hand it to her

C, a librarian at SFSU, is the group's director and founder.  She is also the director of Bells of Joy, the Community United Methodist Church of Half Moon Bay's handbell choir.  C is also a member of Low Ding Zone, the world's first bass bell-only handbell ensemble, and performs regularly as a handbell soloist.

Saag puneer

L: I thought Indian food was too mushy for you.

P: You're right, this lamb is too saag-y.

OreGoing, OreGoing...

M: You haven't sent me a pun in a few days -- is everything ok?
R: My life has been insaaaane lately.  Sorry.  I'm trying to make it happen, here's one from today:

A: Have you met my friend G? I tried to introduce you at Outside Lands, but I don't think it happened.

R: Ohhh, yeah, we never met up.

A: I wanted you guys to hang out, but now she got a new job and is moving to Oregon. I think you two would have hit it off.

R: Too bad she'll be OreGONE soon.


R: By the way, I totally forgot about the boat pun. That was an all-time great.  It's been tough swimming trying to live up to the high water mark I set there.

M: Great pun. You're a lifesaver

R: That's sweet of you to say (get it??? lifesavers = sweet).  No holes in that argument.

All we need is a glass of port

R encountered some choppy waters while scheduling a date with G.

R: What are you doing today?

G: I'm supposed to go sailing, but if it's raining I might bail.

R: Good boat pun

G: (Silence)

M: I hope you gave her a stern look after that.

R: Great pun. Take a bow.

M: You're such a pun all-star. I'm going to post your picture on my starboard.

I know this blog is cheesy

J: Puns are everywhere!
M: S and I might try to go there for grilled cheese lunch today so I have planned to spend my whole morning thinking of an A+ pun.
J: I am also going to expend all my mental energy on this today and hopefully can return with a victorious pun.
(hours later)
M: What do you eat if it's raining on Passover?
J: Manische-wetz?
M: How about Matzo-rella?
S: Hi everyone! I'm feeling Feta'd up with all of this pun talk!
J: How can you be fed up? M's puns are Brielliant. I don't know how
she Muensters up the courage to share these with us.
S: Amazing. I Swiss I was such a muenster punster.
M: I am way out of my league with you two; your puns have shredded the competition.
S: I'm sure you can wedge a few more in.
     Sent from my iProvolone
M: Stop with the amazing cheese puns! You Havarti won the contest.
J: This woman stepped on my foot on the bus. I told her, "no Parm, no foul."

Post script

M: Can we do an early dinner tonight? I have a package waiting for me at the post office so I need to wake up early to pick it up tomorrow morning.

B: As long as I don't have to work tonight (in which case we might need to postpone) I think that should be okay.
M: Okay, just keep me posted.

Soap opera

J and S, heading to the laundromat, needed to do six loads of wash.

J:  Do we have enough soap for all this?
S:  Soapfully!
S:  I mean, I think soap.


M: Does J pick up on these?
S: Not always, but I sudspect he is getting better.
M: Meanwhile, I hope the blog tides you over.

Because they got high

J and his buddy J, while in a state of chemically-induced mellowness, try to figure out how high their apartment is off the ground.

J1: Well you could estimate the feet per floor and multiply it by 28.

J2: Well, I know we're approximately 2/3 of the way up the building, so I could just look up the height of the building.

J1: This would be a great interview question to see how someone would go about this problem.

(R looks up from his work on the other side of the room.)

R: Would you call that a top-down or bottom-up approach? 

Coite right

S: Have you ever noticed that the restaurant Coi is so close to Coit Tower? COIncidence? I think noT.

House of representin'

K: Check it out! An Asian man got caught doing what was previously
reserved only for old white men!
P (who is Asian): Representin'.... literally!

Say it ain't pho

While at sushi:

K: I try to handle chopsticks well; I know dropping them is a pretty big faux pas.

M: Nope, I'm pretty sure Pho is Vietnamese not Japanese.

A worthy DEBAIT

XS: Btw, I like how they go with EBIDAT  [NB: as opposed to EBITDA]
R: Arg. So annoying. Who does that?
XS: Who does DAT?


M: Giving credit to another man's pun? R, you're maturing.
R: I'd like to think I am maturing.  And, since he's new, I wanted to shower him with XS praise.

Sew what

B: Oh no, I have a tear in my pocket.
M: I can fix that for you.
B: Are you good at sewing?
M: I'm sew-sew.

Honor role

R: I can't wait to tell my mom about my pun streak.
M: I'll make her a bumper sticker that says you were student of the punth.

Czech, please

R and C had to coordinate going to the airport together.

R: What's time your flight?  Mine's at 4:30

C: Mine's at 4:30 too, but I'm flying out to the Czech Republic to meet my fiancee, so I'll need to get there early.

R: Yeah, you'll probably need to czech luggage.

She loveseat when you make puns

R: It would be helpful if we can clear the living/dining/kitchen for the pot luck on Thursday. The garage is a good destination for boxes that we don't have room for.
V: Sure no problem. N, if I told you I could potentially be getting a different couch would you be able to sell yours quickly? If not I can just take it as promised.
R: I won't speak for N, but would think if we put it up on craigslist for free it could move pretty quickly, though I will couch that by saying I hope if nobody bites you can still take it.

Punnsylvania

R:  Hey, how's TX by the way?

V: It's OK. Not really a place I'd choose to live.

R: No, OK is a bit further north.

V: Har Har.

R forwards the above exchange to M, who enjoyed it much more than V did.

M: Tx for sending that.(Get it??)

R: Ma, id wa ok. (Get it??)

M: GaDe id.

R: PaNh!

Please calculate grossflux instead

B: I rented Back to the Future on Netflix...
J: Nice.
B: ... and I'm going to watch it yesterday.
J: I'm pretty sure you'll need a flux capacitor to do that.
B: I already got one and am picking it up tomorrow from Netflux.

Can you wrap that up to go please?

Forty five minutes into a phone call, M realizes how late it is.

M: I just saw the time! Have you had dinner yet?
B: No. I'll grab a burrito once we're done talking.
M: We better wrap this up then.

If that's movin' out then I'm movin' up

B was being kicked out of his apartment and wasn't sure whether he should hunt for a new place or just take an open unit two stories up in his original building.

M: I just read this article about the crazy real estate market. Good move to stay in your building.
B: In deed.

Another way to slice it

S and J ordered an appetizer of dumplings.  5 dumplings came.  They each ate 2 and then J cut off a third from the last one and ate it.
 
S:  Do you want any more? 
J:  No, take it. 
S:  But you didn't cut it up evenly.
J:  Just have it.
S:  I wanted you to halve it!

Any way you slice it

A and S went to the gym and then wanted to pick up a package that contained a cutting board that S ordered from Amazon.


A: Do we have time to grab the cutting board before breakfast?

S: Chop chop.